When I started this blog this summer I wanted to record the little things that made me happy. I wanted to write something deep and inspirational. I wanted to improve my writing… I just wanted to DO something. Summer was fantastic but i was so busy and there were so many things happening that I could not write about all the wonderful things that happened… now I’m in a rut. I’m just sad all the time… I have all these great ideas and I’m going through with all of these super exciting projects, but at the end of the day I’m unhappy and I don’t know why. I really do love my projects. I’m my happiest when I’m at it. Like film making and music. when I immerse myself in those world I’m happy. I’m me. I can express myself in any way I choose to and it feels great. but then it ends. Band class ends. my Film class ends. it gets to late and to dark to live in these worlds anymore. so then I try to live in a imaginary world, like in Merlin or Doctor Who. I’ve bought the soundtrack and I love the music and it makes me smile, and that’s that musical, magical world again. but I’m still sad. I have to do other things. I have to deal with real life. I have to deal with all of my self doubt and try not to accept that it seems like I’m invisible to people sometimes.
I want to be someone who inspires people to be their best. I want to be someone who will cheer someone up. I want to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. I want to entertain people and make then smile. I want to be a film maker, an actor, a writer, a musician… an entertainer.
there are so many things I want to do someday, but I just have to get through the present moment. now. I have to find my joy again, find something in the real world that makes me happy, or make my imaginary world become the real world. Maybe someday I really will be a film maker, actor, writer, musician, entertainer, and My imagination and expression will be my life. it will be really who I am. Maybe I’ll inspire someone.
I’m tired and confused,
but I’ll figure it out.
I’m stuck in a rut,
but I’ll make it out.